The scriptures teach us that the Lord will makes our weaknesses become strengths. Sometimes in marriage, we think we should utilize our strengths to help our marriage. More often, our strengths can end up causing problems in our marriage. It is better for us to acknowledge our weaknesses and humbly seek divine help in improving our marriage.
President Benson said, "Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life" (Goddard, pg. 148).
Have you ever thought about the personal aspects you are bringing to the difficulties in your marriage? An example of this is someone who is critical of themselves. If I am unable to recognize and appreciate my character strengths, it is very possible that I will be unable to recognize and appreciate the strengths in my spouse.
Forgiveness is the key. When we work at forgiving ourselves for our imperfections, we will find it easier to accept the imperfections in others. Looking for the positive qualities in ourselves will help us find the positive qualities in our spouse. Being grateful for those positive qualities and expressing our praise and thankfulness to our spouse can eliminate criticism and contempt in our marriage.
The Magic Six Hours
John Gottman was able to distinguish successful marriage couples from unsuccessful ones. They found that successful couples devoted an extra six hours each week to improving their marriage by doing the following:
1) Before you say good-bye in the morning, make sure you learn at least one thing that is happening in your spouse's life that day.
2) Hug and kiss each other hello for at least six seconds at the reunion at the end of the day.
3) Communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your spouse every day and genuinely say "I love you".
4) Show physical affection during the day and embrace before going to sleep. Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness!
5) Have a weekly date night that is relaxing and romantic. Stay connected by asking open-ended questions, updating love maps, and turning toward each other.
6) Hold a "state of the union" meeting. Talk about your relationship this week. Talk about what went right. Give 5 appreciations. Be specific. Discuss issues that may have arisen. Use gentle start-ups and problem solve together.
This signal is referred to as a Marital Poop Detector because it identifies early on when something doesn't smell right. Both spouses should become expert at identifying warning signals in themselves and their marriage partner and then use a soft start-up to find out what is wrong.
In our marriage after putting some of these practices into use, I have found that using a soft start-up and talking things over when warning signals are flashing helps dilute the feeling of contention and helps us understand what is happening around us. Overcoming obstacles in marriage can help us grow closer together as we learn how to work together better. In 2013 we dropped a son off at the MTC and then found ourselves in a contentious battle with each other. It wasn't until later that I realized we were both feeling sadness about leaving him and didn't express our feelings to each other. The pain we both felt morphed into contention and left us vulnerable. We are getting ready to leave another son at the MTC in a couple of weeks and this time we will be prepared. I've already talked to my husband about what we might expect to happen and how we need to be aware of the inner feelings we have and share them with each other. As we share our feelings, we can recognize what is causing the pain and share understanding between us that will help us cope and draw closer to each other.
When we offer everything we have and are to the Lord in regard to our marriage, we can learn the most important things necessary to becoming like God. When we turn to the Lord for help, He can teach us things through marriage that we couldn't learn any other way. Even though it is difficult sometimes, marriage is the ultimate finishing school.
Another helpful idea:
Those who set high standards and great expectations for their marriages tend to have the highest-quality marriages. Every marriage should be equipped with an early warning system that signals when your marriage quality is in jeopardy (Gottman, pg. 280).This signal is referred to as a Marital Poop Detector because it identifies early on when something doesn't smell right. Both spouses should become expert at identifying warning signals in themselves and their marriage partner and then use a soft start-up to find out what is wrong.
In our marriage after putting some of these practices into use, I have found that using a soft start-up and talking things over when warning signals are flashing helps dilute the feeling of contention and helps us understand what is happening around us. Overcoming obstacles in marriage can help us grow closer together as we learn how to work together better. In 2013 we dropped a son off at the MTC and then found ourselves in a contentious battle with each other. It wasn't until later that I realized we were both feeling sadness about leaving him and didn't express our feelings to each other. The pain we both felt morphed into contention and left us vulnerable. We are getting ready to leave another son at the MTC in a couple of weeks and this time we will be prepared. I've already talked to my husband about what we might expect to happen and how we need to be aware of the inner feelings we have and share them with each other. As we share our feelings, we can recognize what is causing the pain and share understanding between us that will help us cope and draw closer to each other.
When we offer everything we have and are to the Lord in regard to our marriage, we can learn the most important things necessary to becoming like God. When we turn to the Lord for help, He can teach us things through marriage that we couldn't learn any other way. Even though it is difficult sometimes, marriage is the ultimate finishing school.
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