Staying Emotionally Connected

Emotional Connectedness - A Vital Component of a Happy Marriage

One thing jumped out at me this week--

John M. Gottman taught us the importance of putting our spouse first and thinking about their needs over our own. He even touted the somewhat unhelpful process he called "bear witness" which is essentially "active listening" where you repeat back to your spouse what they just said to you. Earlier this semester, we learned that communication skills such as this are minimally effective and can actually hinder the improvement of a relationship (pg. 13). Although there were many helpful ideas given to draw spouses closer to each other, it felt like something was missing.

H. Wallace Goddard taught the doctrinal truth of focusing on the Savior. He said, "It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life" (pg. 57).

When we put God first, we can gain the proper perspective to help our marriages be successful. President Ezra Taft Benson said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities" (pg. 57). 

This morning before I started reading our assignment, I became frustrated because of a reoccurring housekeeping issue with my husband. When I read the paragraph about marriage being full of "tempests in teapots" and how "we may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, etc." it made me feel better. I couldn't believe my issue was completely addressed. It was insightful to learn that little irritations can turn into evils and cause us to completely change how we think and feel about our spouse. Satan would like us to focus on the little "pests" that deplete our marriages of peace, serenity, tranquility, closeness, and love. Instead we should exercise more patience when it comes to the humanness in each marriage.

The paraphrase of Brigham Young's quote to the two sisters who were seeking divorces was very reassuring to me. He said, "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him" (pg. 59). It helped me realize that Heavenly Father knows each of our potentials and gave us to each other so we could each become who He knows we can be.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us" (pg. 59). When we have faith in the Lord, we can trust that the irritations and challenges we face in marriage are "blessings intended to develop our character" (pg. 59).

One of the things I want to work on this week is to begin a "friendly investigation". Instead of finding fault in the things my husband does, I'm going to try to remember to ask myself, "I wonder why he feels that way" or "I wonder why that is important to him?" This will give me a better understanding of him and help me "turn toward him".

The Snowball Effect

Gottman taught that small gestures can lead to another and another--like a snowball rolling down the hill. One small act of "turning toward" your spouse can generate enormous results.

Idea: Create a ledger to keep track of how many times your spouse has "turned toward" you during the day. Focus on ways you can build your spouse's emotional bank account.

Here are two obstacles to watch out for:

• "Missing" a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotion - this requires humility and the ability to hold off responding defensively while you search for the bid. Focus on the bid--not the delivery! Try practicing soft start-ups.
• Being distracted by the wired world - can occur from habit or deliberately. Decide together what rules you want between you concerning electronic devices.

Steps for an Emotionally Connected Conversation:

• Take turns - each spouse can complain for 15 minutes
• Show genuine interest - respond and focus on spouse
• Don't give unsolicited advice - don't try to fix the problem, just listen
• Communicate your understanding - empathize, respond
• Take spouse's side - even if he/she might be a fault
• Express a "we against others" attitude  - express solidarity
• Show affection
• Validate emotions 

As we work on being emotionally connected to each other, our foundational friendship can flourish and we can build trust in each other and in our relationship.

References: Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD.

The Essential Tension in Marriage

There is tension in every relationship!

It is often worse in marriage because we share so much--money, time, food, space, and even our bodies. As we try to work through differences and realize that we have to make changes ourselves, the natural man resists.

The scripture in Mosiah 3:19 has always been one of my favorites. I used to recite it to myself when my alarm clock went off at 5 a.m. so that I could go run each morning. I really like how H. Wallace Goddard applied it to marriage: 

"For the natural (spouse) is an enemy to God (and partner), and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever."

The natural man and the enticing of the devil can make us believe that it is impossible for there to be happiness in marriage. The devil will never have a family and wants to destroy all families so we will be miserable "like unto himself". He uses stealth tactics to deceive and confuse marriage partners into believing their marriage is bad or they would be happier with someone else.

In reality, marriage is difficult.

The allegory of the manufactured home helps explain why.

A man had two friends in the manufactured-home business. When he wanted a new house, he asked each friend to send him half a house. He gave no plans. He provided no specifications on size or style. He left them to design as they would. Each friend sent a lovely half-house. When the two halves arrived, they were very different. Rooms did not line up. Utilities didn't match up. Roofs and walls did not connect. 

The is a good representation of marriage. We each come from a different factory. . . or family. At the beginning we seem like we will match up perfectly, but it doesn't take very long to see that some things like traditions, expectations, assumptions and ways of life do not line up. Sometimes our differences become even more clear as time goes on. We might start to think we should leave the other half and find another one that matches better down the road. This is a mistake because we never perfectly match up with another human being.

Another example using a house is helpful in regard to marriage. C. S. Lewis used this metaphor:

Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? 

The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace.

The key is becoming Godlike. We do all we can to become the best spouse for our mate. In a world that promotes standing up for ourselves and being recognized for everything we do, it was refreshing to read the following:

It takes strength of character to see errors in a partner's grammar or perceptions and yet resist the temptation to correct needlessly. It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes. It takes divine grace to discard or limit the hobbies that prevent us from helping around the house.  

I was reminded this week that sometimes a characteristic that is very positive in a spouse can be the same characteristic that drives you crazy! An example of this is my husband is very uninhibited. If we ever have a problem, he is almost happy to fix it. He will make sure people do what they say they are going to do and is not afraid of confrontation at all. The negative side to this is sometimes he is not very nice. He possibly can offend others, even though he does usually handle things very calmly. Another positive trait is he is very fair and honest with others. So, when he feels he has been treated unfairly, he will try to remedy the situation. It is important to remember that in order to have the one positive characteristic, we have to accept the other things that go with it. 

Marriage Myths and the Six Signs a Marriage Might Fail

Have you ever checked in to "The Roach Motel for Lovers?"

 As terrible as that sounds, Dr. Gottman describes this place where many married couples find themselves when their marriage is marked by "negative sentiment override". Marriage partners start to assume the worst in each other and become trapped in a cycle of negativity, conflict, and bad feelings toward each other. Each is convinced that the other person is evil and selfish and that they must do what they can to win. . . but there is no winner. The results are a relationship that is torn apart and left unguarded from the lure of outside forces.

There are solutions to making marriage work. By identifying myths and dangers, we can find solutions to working together as husbands and wives to create a marriage based on friendship and love.

Here are some of the Marriage Myths:
Content taken from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.  Chapter 1 - "Inside the Seattle Love Lab"

Myth - Learning how to communicate better is all that couples need to succeed.
Truth - There is an important place for listening skills and problem-solving techniques in building and maintaining a relationship. Couple who struggle with problem-solving together are not doomed to fail.

Myth - You scratch my back and . . .
Truth - Unofficial contracts can lead to anger and resentment. Any time there is a need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom, there are signs of trouble. 

This is an area where I struggle. The Proclamation counsels us to "help one another as equal partners". It's true that my husband goes to work each day and works hard! He comes home exhausted and needs a loving wife and family who show him appreciation. The trouble is. . . I'm exhausted, too. It is hard when I'm the only one in the kitchen trying to organize the kids to help and trying not to burn the chicken while answering the phone, helping another child with homework, and trying to find the keys so my teenager won't be late for work. All the while, my husband is reclined in his favorite chair looking at his phone. There is no doubt that it is impossible to keep a running tally of who has done more and that it would be helpful if we did. The solution is unselfishness--being able to think of and provide what the other spouse needs.

Myth - Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
Truth - Most of the time, it is the problems in marriage that lead a spouse to search out an intimate connection with another person. 

Myth - Men and women are from different planets.
Truth - Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them. Both men and women agree that the determining factor in marriage satisfaction is by 70 percent the quality of the couple's friendship.

False information given to couples can be disheartening to those who are trying to make their marriage work. We can learn one important thing from these myths--marriage is complicated and most people aren't very good at it. There is a way to understand what make your own marriage work and then saving and safeguarding your marriage can become simpler.

Here are some signs that predict divorce:

#1  A Harsh Start-Up - Research shows that the way a discussion begins affects the way it ends. If it starts harsh, it will end negatively even when attempts have been made to repair the damage.

Key Idea: 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of an interaction.

#2  The Four Horsemen

Horseman 1: Criticism

We all have complaints about a person we live with, but complaints focus on a specific behavior or event. In contrast, criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the person's character or personality. When criticism becomes frequent, it paves the way for a deadlier horsemen--contempt.

Horseman 2: Contempt

Contempt is a form of disrespect and arises when one spouse feels a sense of superiority over the other. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts and occur when there are unresolved issues in the marriage. Belligerence is a form of aggressive anger and often contains a threat or provocation. It is deadly to a relationship.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Being defensive rarely brings the desired effect. It is a way of blaming the other person. It often escalates the conflict.

Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness function like a relay match--handing the baton off to each other over and over again if the couple can't stop it. 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

This is less common and occurs later in the course of a marriage that has been in a negative spiral for a while. One person tunes out, disengages, looks away, or leaves the room. The stonewaller acts like he doesn't care what you are saying. Can be used as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.

#3 Flooding - Occurs when a spouse's negativity is so intense and sudden that you feel defenseless. The more often a person is flooded by criticism and contempt, the more hypervigilant the person becomes at recognizing cues. Many disengage emotionally from the relationship. Reoccurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for 2 reasons:

• They signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other.
• The physical sensations of feeling flooded (increased heart rate, sweating) make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

#4  Body Language - When arguments cause flooding and physical reactions happen such as a pounding heart and sweating, the relationship is in disastrous condition. It is nearly impossible to process information or even pay attention to what the spouse is saying. Creative problem-solving and a sense of humor are unattainable. You are left with the least beneficial response--to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). There is no chance the issue will be resolved and the situation will become worse.

#5   Failed Repair Attempts - Repair attempts are efforts a couple makes to de-escalate tension during a heated discussion and prevent flooding. A repair attempt could be compared to trying to raise a white flag. 

When the four horsemen are ruling a couple's communication, repair attempts often go unnoticed or unheard. Feedback loops can develop between the four horsemen and the failed repair attempts creating a very unhappy marriage. Marriages where the four horsemen are present, but manage to have successful repair attempts usually remain satisfying and stable. Repair attempts keep the four horsemen from moving in permanently. 

Important Note: When marriage is working well, repair attempts are more successful. In marriages where the four horsemen have set up camp, "even the most articulate, sensitive, well-targeted repair attempt is likely to fail abysmally" (pg. 46).

#6  Bad Memories - When the four horsemen move in and overrun the home, it impairs communication and increases the negativity to such a degree that everything the spouse does, or ever did, is recast in a negative light. In unhappy marriages, distorted perceptions can rewrite the history of the marriage in a very negative way. 

When you are in the end stage of marriage - Sometimes couples come for counseling at the end stage of marriage. The four horsemen are gone. They don't argue, act contemptuous, or stonewall any more. They may even talk calmly to one another, but they are distant. One of both of them has disengaged emotionally from the relationship. Some couples leave marriage through divorce and others stay together and live parallel lives. The 4 final stages that signal death in the marriage are:

• The couple views their marital problems as severe.
• It seems useless to talk things over. Each tries to solve problems on their own.
• They lead parallel lives.
• Loneliness sets in.

But Remember: Marriages Do Not Have to End!

John Gottman was able to "crack the code" to saving marriages by analyzing what went right in happy marriages. The key:

Strengthen the friendship and trust 

that are at the heart of any marriage.

Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) is like an insurance policy and dramatically increases the odds that repair attempts will be successful. Strengthening a couple's friendship stokes the fire and predicts their future. No matter what state a marriage is in, it helps to support, reinvigorate, and maybe even resuscitate your friendship. 

A Covenant Marriage

Many look at marriage today as a contractual partnership. Contractual couples each give 50 percent to the relationship--similar to a business partnership. They marry to obtain certain benefits and determine to stay as long as they get what they bargained for. When troubles come, contractual marriage couples find it easier to walk away.

In contrast, covenant marriages consist of a husband and wife who are willing and determined to work through difficulties. They each give 100 percent to their marriage. Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, "They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God" (Covenant Marriage, Nov. 1996 Ensign).

Covenant marriages begin in holy temples.

Just because a person marries in the temple does not mean they have to stop working toward a covenant marriage.

A young bride told her mother on her wedding day, "Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!" "Yes," replied the mother, "but at which end?"  

This wise mother knew that her daughter would face challenges after marriage and provided her daughter with insight. Marriage in holy temples can provide us with blessings and power to overcome those challenges.

It is important to teach this principle to our children. When I was in Young Women growing up, I remember the focus of so many lessons was obtaining a temple marriage. I'm not sure it was meant to happen, but I thought the temple marriage was the end goal and that I didn't have to worry about anything after that. Life soon proved that idea wrong. If I could go back and change what I had been taught, it would be that a temple marriage is essential to provide you with the strength, power, and blessings you will need to face the challenges in life. 

President Ezra Taft Benson promised the following blessings to those who worthily perform the ordinances in the House of the Lord:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.
• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.
• You will receive the key of the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)
• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, "Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the "hireling," who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling "seeth the wolf coming," he "leaveth the sheep, and fleeth . . . because he . . . careth not for the sheep." By contrast, the Savior said, "I am the good shepherd, . . . and I lay down my life for the sheep." Many people today are hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents' hearts away from their children and from each other."

Marriage is tested by 3 kinds of wolves:  natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. 

Natural Adversity: Examples can be death, illness, and loss of employment. 

There have been several examples of natural adversity in my life. One extremely difficult trial was when my cousin lost a little 2 year old daughter in an accident and then several years later lost three more children in a car accident. This is an artist's beautiful rendering of their children with the Savior. The family was tested beyond what could possibly be imagined. Half of their children had died. The healing process will continue--probably forever, but my cousin and his wife have stayed strong and faithful. They work together to endure each minute of every difficult day. They are amazing examples to me. It is a blessing to know that they will all be reunited someday!

Imperfections: Examples are a husband's criticism, lack of self-worth, selfishness, abuse, laziness, and pride.

Excessive Individualism: Examples could be distrust, suspicion, selfishness, inability to connect with those around us, or focusing on worldly aspirations.

The covenants we make in the temple 

can help us discover hidden reservoirs of strength.

Elder David A. Bednar said, "The adversary's attacks upon eternal marriage will continue to increase in intensity, frequency, and sophistication. Because today we are engaged in a war for the welfare of marriage and the home, in my latest reading of the Book of Mormon I paid particular attention to the ways the Nephites prepared for their battles against the Lamanites. I learned that understanding the intent of an enemy is a key prerequisite to effective preparation. We likewise should consider the intent of our enemy in this latter-day war. Given what we know about our enemy's intent, each of us should be especially vigilant in seeking personal inspiration as to how we can protect and safeguard our own marriages" (Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan).

Creating a Partnership in Marriage

Marriage is a partnership! A husband and wife work together to achieve mutual goals and enjoy the fruits of their labors. There is great power in a strong partnership. President Russell M. Nelson said, 

"True partners can achieve more 

than the sum of each acting alone." 

This is synergy!

Here are some things that make a partnership successful:

• Collaboration
• Agreement
• Sharing Insights and Efforts
• Building a Consensus
• Complete Loyalty
• Suppressing Personal Ego in Exchange for Creating Something Better
• Individuals Developing Personal Attributes of Character

The most important partnership is found in marriage between a husband and wife. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it says, "Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children."

Here are some ideas for a successful marriage:

1- Get outside of ourselves and be unselfish.

Sister Cheryl C. Lant said, ". . . if we could just get to the point where we are thinking about someone else's needs, our needs are met. That's the best way to get our needs met, if we are looking to take care of somebody else."

Sister Susan W. Tanner said, "It takes work to have a good marriage; it requires consistent effort. Never let a day go by without thinking about how you can bless your spouse and help meet his or her needs. It would be wonderful if we could have companionships that were filled with decencies daily, where we think about what we can do through our words and actions to show love."

 Elder Jeffrey R. Holland counseled us to be equal partners and said, "There will be ebbing and flowing. There's a balance here. We've got to be in this together. We've got to share in this. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. That says to me, I'd better address my flaws before I spend a lot of time worrying about everybody else's flaws in the family."

2- Put family first.

Make time for * Family Prayer * Family Home Evening * Family Scripture Study * the things that have eternal consequences. 

Develop Family Patterns--things that we always do. We go to church on Sunday, attend all of our meetings, accept church callings, give service willingly, have prayer before we leave for school in the morning, read our scriptures every evening before bed, go on missions, pay tithing, eat meals together, work and play together, and try to have meaningful fasts. 

Create and maintain traditions. 

3 - Be equal partners.

President Boyd K. Packer said, There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not the husband's equal obligation. Likewise, women assist their husbands, directly and indirectly, with the burdens of supporting the family."

Marriage is not only about responsibilities. It is also about dreams. "There must be room enough in a marriage for the dreams of both the husband and the wife and sweet encouragement from each to the other to follow those dreams" (Hudson & Miller, pg. 39). 



Hudson, V. M., and Miller, R. B. (2012). Successful Marriages and Families. Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families. BYU Studies.