Staying Emotionally Connected

Emotional Connectedness - A Vital Component of a Happy Marriage

One thing jumped out at me this week--

John M. Gottman taught us the importance of putting our spouse first and thinking about their needs over our own. He even touted the somewhat unhelpful process he called "bear witness" which is essentially "active listening" where you repeat back to your spouse what they just said to you. Earlier this semester, we learned that communication skills such as this are minimally effective and can actually hinder the improvement of a relationship (pg. 13). Although there were many helpful ideas given to draw spouses closer to each other, it felt like something was missing.

H. Wallace Goddard taught the doctrinal truth of focusing on the Savior. He said, "It takes faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to remove evil from our marriages and bring them to vibrant life" (pg. 57).

When we put God first, we can gain the proper perspective to help our marriages be successful. President Ezra Taft Benson said, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities" (pg. 57). 

This morning before I started reading our assignment, I became frustrated because of a reoccurring housekeeping issue with my husband. When I read the paragraph about marriage being full of "tempests in teapots" and how "we may be bothered by indecisiveness, hygiene, grammar, etc." it made me feel better. I couldn't believe my issue was completely addressed. It was insightful to learn that little irritations can turn into evils and cause us to completely change how we think and feel about our spouse. Satan would like us to focus on the little "pests" that deplete our marriages of peace, serenity, tranquility, closeness, and love. Instead we should exercise more patience when it comes to the humanness in each marriage.

The paraphrase of Brigham Young's quote to the two sisters who were seeking divorces was very reassuring to me. He said, "If you could only see your husband as he will be in the glorious resurrection, this very husband you now say you despise, your first impulse would be to kneel and worship him" (pg. 59). It helped me realize that Heavenly Father knows each of our potentials and gave us to each other so we could each become who He knows we can be.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, "Too often too many of us run from the very things that will bless us and save us and soothe us" (pg. 59). When we have faith in the Lord, we can trust that the irritations and challenges we face in marriage are "blessings intended to develop our character" (pg. 59).

One of the things I want to work on this week is to begin a "friendly investigation". Instead of finding fault in the things my husband does, I'm going to try to remember to ask myself, "I wonder why he feels that way" or "I wonder why that is important to him?" This will give me a better understanding of him and help me "turn toward him".

The Snowball Effect

Gottman taught that small gestures can lead to another and another--like a snowball rolling down the hill. One small act of "turning toward" your spouse can generate enormous results.

Idea: Create a ledger to keep track of how many times your spouse has "turned toward" you during the day. Focus on ways you can build your spouse's emotional bank account.

Here are two obstacles to watch out for:

• "Missing" a bid because it is wrapped in anger or other negative emotion - this requires humility and the ability to hold off responding defensively while you search for the bid. Focus on the bid--not the delivery! Try practicing soft start-ups.
• Being distracted by the wired world - can occur from habit or deliberately. Decide together what rules you want between you concerning electronic devices.

Steps for an Emotionally Connected Conversation:

• Take turns - each spouse can complain for 15 minutes
• Show genuine interest - respond and focus on spouse
• Don't give unsolicited advice - don't try to fix the problem, just listen
• Communicate your understanding - empathize, respond
• Take spouse's side - even if he/she might be a fault
• Express a "we against others" attitude  - express solidarity
• Show affection
• Validate emotions 

As we work on being emotionally connected to each other, our foundational friendship can flourish and we can build trust in each other and in our relationship.

References: Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD.