Marriage Myths and the Six Signs a Marriage Might Fail

Have you ever checked in to "The Roach Motel for Lovers?"

 As terrible as that sounds, Dr. Gottman describes this place where many married couples find themselves when their marriage is marked by "negative sentiment override". Marriage partners start to assume the worst in each other and become trapped in a cycle of negativity, conflict, and bad feelings toward each other. Each is convinced that the other person is evil and selfish and that they must do what they can to win. . . but there is no winner. The results are a relationship that is torn apart and left unguarded from the lure of outside forces.

There are solutions to making marriage work. By identifying myths and dangers, we can find solutions to working together as husbands and wives to create a marriage based on friendship and love.

Here are some of the Marriage Myths:
Content taken from The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman.  Chapter 1 - "Inside the Seattle Love Lab"

Myth - Learning how to communicate better is all that couples need to succeed.
Truth - There is an important place for listening skills and problem-solving techniques in building and maintaining a relationship. Couple who struggle with problem-solving together are not doomed to fail.

Myth - You scratch my back and . . .
Truth - Unofficial contracts can lead to anger and resentment. Any time there is a need to keep a running tally of who has done what for whom, there are signs of trouble. 

This is an area where I struggle. The Proclamation counsels us to "help one another as equal partners". It's true that my husband goes to work each day and works hard! He comes home exhausted and needs a loving wife and family who show him appreciation. The trouble is. . . I'm exhausted, too. It is hard when I'm the only one in the kitchen trying to organize the kids to help and trying not to burn the chicken while answering the phone, helping another child with homework, and trying to find the keys so my teenager won't be late for work. All the while, my husband is reclined in his favorite chair looking at his phone. There is no doubt that it is impossible to keep a running tally of who has done more and that it would be helpful if we did. The solution is unselfishness--being able to think of and provide what the other spouse needs.

Myth - Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
Truth - Most of the time, it is the problems in marriage that lead a spouse to search out an intimate connection with another person. 

Myth - Men and women are from different planets.
Truth - Gender differences may contribute to marital problems, but they don't cause them. Both men and women agree that the determining factor in marriage satisfaction is by 70 percent the quality of the couple's friendship.

False information given to couples can be disheartening to those who are trying to make their marriage work. We can learn one important thing from these myths--marriage is complicated and most people aren't very good at it. There is a way to understand what make your own marriage work and then saving and safeguarding your marriage can become simpler.

Here are some signs that predict divorce:

#1  A Harsh Start-Up - Research shows that the way a discussion begins affects the way it ends. If it starts harsh, it will end negatively even when attempts have been made to repair the damage.

Key Idea: 96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of an interaction.

#2  The Four Horsemen

Horseman 1: Criticism

We all have complaints about a person we live with, but complaints focus on a specific behavior or event. In contrast, criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the person's character or personality. When criticism becomes frequent, it paves the way for a deadlier horsemen--contempt.

Horseman 2: Contempt

Contempt is a form of disrespect and arises when one spouse feels a sense of superiority over the other. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts and occur when there are unresolved issues in the marriage. Belligerence is a form of aggressive anger and often contains a threat or provocation. It is deadly to a relationship.

Horseman 3: Defensiveness

Being defensive rarely brings the desired effect. It is a way of blaming the other person. It often escalates the conflict.

Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness function like a relay match--handing the baton off to each other over and over again if the couple can't stop it. 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling

This is less common and occurs later in the course of a marriage that has been in a negative spiral for a while. One person tunes out, disengages, looks away, or leaves the room. The stonewaller acts like he doesn't care what you are saying. Can be used as a protection against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.

#3 Flooding - Occurs when a spouse's negativity is so intense and sudden that you feel defenseless. The more often a person is flooded by criticism and contempt, the more hypervigilant the person becomes at recognizing cues. Many disengage emotionally from the relationship. Reoccurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for 2 reasons:

• They signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other.
• The physical sensations of feeling flooded (increased heart rate, sweating) make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.

#4  Body Language - When arguments cause flooding and physical reactions happen such as a pounding heart and sweating, the relationship is in disastrous condition. It is nearly impossible to process information or even pay attention to what the spouse is saying. Creative problem-solving and a sense of humor are unattainable. You are left with the least beneficial response--to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). There is no chance the issue will be resolved and the situation will become worse.

#5   Failed Repair Attempts - Repair attempts are efforts a couple makes to de-escalate tension during a heated discussion and prevent flooding. A repair attempt could be compared to trying to raise a white flag. 

When the four horsemen are ruling a couple's communication, repair attempts often go unnoticed or unheard. Feedback loops can develop between the four horsemen and the failed repair attempts creating a very unhappy marriage. Marriages where the four horsemen are present, but manage to have successful repair attempts usually remain satisfying and stable. Repair attempts keep the four horsemen from moving in permanently. 

Important Note: When marriage is working well, repair attempts are more successful. In marriages where the four horsemen have set up camp, "even the most articulate, sensitive, well-targeted repair attempt is likely to fail abysmally" (pg. 46).

#6  Bad Memories - When the four horsemen move in and overrun the home, it impairs communication and increases the negativity to such a degree that everything the spouse does, or ever did, is recast in a negative light. In unhappy marriages, distorted perceptions can rewrite the history of the marriage in a very negative way. 

When you are in the end stage of marriage - Sometimes couples come for counseling at the end stage of marriage. The four horsemen are gone. They don't argue, act contemptuous, or stonewall any more. They may even talk calmly to one another, but they are distant. One of both of them has disengaged emotionally from the relationship. Some couples leave marriage through divorce and others stay together and live parallel lives. The 4 final stages that signal death in the marriage are:

• The couple views their marital problems as severe.
• It seems useless to talk things over. Each tries to solve problems on their own.
• They lead parallel lives.
• Loneliness sets in.

But Remember: Marriages Do Not Have to End!

John Gottman was able to "crack the code" to saving marriages by analyzing what went right in happy marriages. The key:

Strengthen the friendship and trust 

that are at the heart of any marriage.

Positive Sentiment Override (PSO) is like an insurance policy and dramatically increases the odds that repair attempts will be successful. Strengthening a couple's friendship stokes the fire and predicts their future. No matter what state a marriage is in, it helps to support, reinvigorate, and maybe even resuscitate your friendship.